Customs! The Mynock, smuggling vessel of fugitive Captain Trystan Valentine, has touched down on the orbital station above the jungle planet of Phindar. His crew — Bounty Hunter Leenik Geelo, ex-Clone soldier Bacta, Space Adventurer Lyntel’luroon, five-year-old Force-sensitive Nightbrother Tamlin, best-selling author Neimoidian Sparks and super-sentient space wolf Tony Vornskr — are weary and in need of medical care. Though the Mynock crew purchased a treasure trove of trick credentials from the Kaiburr Crystals, can they, the most wanted criminals in the galaxy, expect to pass through Phindian security without being noticed?
The Mynock docks on Phindar's space station, the crew’s weekend bags filled with grenades, guns, clothes, and wigs. Bacta decides to smuggle his lesai in a compartment of his implanted medical device, rather than risk a withdrawal. Leenik remarks that his makeup supplies are running low, as Tryst reflects on having no appropriate rainforest attire for the trip. The gang then exits the Mynock to the tune of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s 1969 classic-rock song, “Fortunate Son”.
After making a note of where they parked, the group is stopped by two parking attendants, who ask for permission to search the vehicle for droids, which Tryst flippantly gives. Bacta tells the attendants about their two droids and fills out an information form.
The group then takes a turbolift to the space station’s level seventy eight where they find themselves in a “Stars War” equivalent of an airport security check. As they shuffle into the lines, the Mynock crew is given strange looks due to their diversity as well as Tony’s conspicuousness as a space-dog walking on two legs.
Tryst, Leenik, and Tony get through customs with incredible ease as the kindly, southern-accented customs officers offer very little resistance and no more than three simple security questions. Bacta, however, is paired with Chuck Warzop, a general “stick-in-the-mud” and the station’s only competent customs officer.
As Bacta muddles his way through Chuck’s much more difficult security questions, the two are frequently interrupted by the other customs officers, who ridicule Chuck for how seriously he takes his job, his general status as a “wet blanket”, and the fact that his wife left him.
Chuck stamps and scans Bacta’s passport (“Chuck! No one’s even used that scanner! Ever!”) then asks if he has any items to declare. Bacta produces his carbine, grenades, random bits of armor, a knife, and a “family pack” of brass knuckles. Chuck sighs, saying the registration check on the pile of items would be ten minutes.
In response, Maroo, another customs officer, jokes that “Chuck’s wife is calling.” Chuck admonishes Maroo for, seconds before, letting a child through customs without asking a single question. Maroo tells Chuck that the child’s horns and tattoos “looked scary” and that his passport said he was eighteen. Defeated, Chuck apologizes for the situation and asks a few final security questions before allowing Bacta through, still being buffeted by divorce jokes from his fellow officers.
At the full-body scanners, the gang (minus Lyn and Neemo) opts for the pat-down, repeatedly telling the security officers that they “don’t want their rights to be violated.” After waiting a number of minutes in a waiting room, an officer arrives to pat them down. When the officer produces a scanner to check his medical device, Bacta tells the officer that the “beta waves” of a Nakatomi-brand scanner would destroy it. Tryst and Tony randomly decide to leave, opting to go back to the line for the full-body scanner.
After being reunited at the other side, the group is escorted to an office where three “official-looking” Phindians question them about Tryst’s bag of undeclared grenades and loose clothing. Failing to obfuscate the situation enough to walk away, they are detained in the office.
Leenik uses his shock-glove to short out the security cameras and the group speed-walks to the exit. Tamlin and Neemo split off from the group to find a hotel on the space station, and the others buy five shuttle tickets, accusing the ticket employee of racism when he asks if Tony is a wolf.
The episode ends as they take a shuttle to the Phindian city of Cyclops, affording them a moment to marvel at the beauty of space-travel.
- Tamlin Juron
- Neimoidian Sparks
- Tony Vornskr
- Chuck Warzop
- KAT (Mentioned)
- R2-D20 (Mentioned)
- Maroo (JPC), Cameron (James), & Third Unnamed Customs Officer (Johnny)
- Misc: Phindian Parking Attendant #2, Honeymooning Human Couple, Plu & Plow the Pat-Down Officers
- “For a librarian, business is pleasure.”
- “Chuck! CHUCK! You are such a wet blanket, Chuck.”
- James: “Tony’s reading a newspaper.” Kat: “He’s not doing that.” Johnny: “He’s holding a newspaper.” Kat: “He’s sniffing a newspaper…also newspapers do not exist.”
- Endless misinformation about the basic concept of a librarian.
- Kat's Aside: "In which the crew of the Mynock goes through Phindian customs. Gripping, gripping stuff."
- Dear Mynock Summary: Leenik is asked about the care and proper feeding of a Hutt. The group instead talks about cannibalism.
- The PCs botch their fake names a total of five times in this episode.
- Tryst has a total of four formal dinner kimonos, but no rainforest gear.
- Authors are vaguely illegal on Phindar.
- At minute thirty nine of this episode, Tryst spells (and possibly reads) the name of a city .
- The adventuring Librarian, which the Mynock crew poses as while entering Phindar, has a homebrewed specialization for Edge of the Empire.